element artwork: Autostraddle

This is
The Gay B C’s of Intercourse
! Every month I’ll determine another type of sex-related phase which is made use of within the queer area. We’ll craft these descriptions with assistance from queer archives, pop music tradition, interviews and much more. Take into account that terminology — particularly when you are considering intercourse — varies commonly across communities, with no unmarried definition or article can encapsulate every person’s knowledge about these conditions. Make use of this line as a jumping down point for your own reflection and discussion from inside the responses.

“Lesbian sleep demise” sounds like an ideal title for a goth punk musical organization, and it’s also, in fact, title of
a UK-based goth punk band
. But I’m not referring to songs. I’m referring to this:

lesbian bed passing

(letter.) – the theory that lesbian partners encounter a sharp decrease in sex over the course of a relationship

“did you ever hear of lesbian sleep demise? We check out it on the web. It’s when two lesbians date for long enough, they come to be like sisters. And Blaine and I also are just like an old married couple — an excellent outdated married couple like Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward — but I don’t consider we have had an unscheduled makeout session in, like, a month.”

— Kurt in Season 3, Episode 17 of



In case you are a lesbian or if you align making use of lesbian neighborhood one way or another, you might worry lesbian bed death. Perchance you feel like the standing of lesbian gender sits upon your own strong, lesbian (or lesbian-adjacent) shoulders and as a consequence YOU HAVE TO HUMP A LEG ONE OR MORE TIMES PER DAY FOR THE REASON! Let us move the chase: “bed death” does not merely take place in lesbian interactions. Most connections — whatever the sexes and orientations of the people involved — knowledge “bed passing,” or, to utilize gentler conditions, a short-term or longer-term reduction in intercourse at some point.

Where did this idea of


bed death come from? Put-on your own Lesbian jacket Vests, ‘cause we are going to perform some research.

Between 1978 and 1979, personal psychologist Philip Blumstein and sociologist Pepper Schwartz — more recently acknowledged an union expert regarding truth collection

Married in the beginning Sight —

sent out connection surveys to couples in significant US urban centers. 12,000 couples volunteered to fill in their own forms, such as 788 lesbian partners. In 1983, Blumstein and Schwartz published their particular findings in

US Partners: Money, Work, Gender


The investigation duo determined that lesbian couples (in cases like this, they intended cisgender ladies in connections along with other cisgender ladies) have sex significantly less often than the other sorts of couples they learned (heterosexual married couples, heterosexual cohabitating couples and gay male lovers) hence lesbian lovers’ intercourse reduces during the period of their particular connections.

This specific learn
has-been criticized
over the years because of a number of factors, including its methodology (the study concerns just weren’t created with a lesbian audience planned) and its skewed trial (the respondents had been mainly white and affluent). Inspite of the learn’s dilemmas, it appears as though Blumstein and Schwartz happened to be onto some thing.
Further studies
have also found that lesbians have intercourse much less frequently than folks of some other orientations. But the concept that lesbian couples experience waning desire as time passes — well,
that is true for

a lot of

in long-term relationships, plus it has also been correct when it comes to heterosexual and gay couples that Blumstein and Schwartz surveyed.

At this point, you’re probably questioning where in fact the community had gotten the idea that

lesbians in particular

experience this large, bad thing known as “lesbian bed demise,” and friend, I wish i really could tell you. I can’t even tell you in which the phrase originated from — because obviously, NOBODY IS AWARE THAT!

While Blumstein and Schwartz appear to have released the concept of lesbian bed death, they never utilized the term within their guide. The three women that are mostly paid with coining “lesbian bed passing” include:

Lesbian Sex

author Joann Loulan, lesbian comedian Kate Clinton and, however, Dr. Pepper Schwartz. When Dr. Michele O’Mara ended up being writing the woman PhD dissertation on lesbian sex,
she asked all three of the women
when they had brought the term “lesbian sleep passing” to the public world. Loulan denied it, Clinton rejected it and Schwartz mentioned, “Unfortunately, I have no memory about any of it — and so I are unable to refute or verify!”

And even though their beginnings tend to be mysterious, the term “lesbian sleep passing” will continue to loom inside the queer (and right) creative imagination. Exactly Why? Well, it’s appealing. Plus it seems terrifying. But if you are having much less sex with a long-lasting partner, that’s not fundamentally a negative thing — particularly if you’re a queer individual. Blumstein and Schwartz acknowledged your number of sex in a relationship probably isn’t as important as the


of intercourse in a connection, and also at this time, numerous research indicates that lesbians engage in some first-rate boot knockin’ — even if they aren’t having sex very often. Queer folks probably don’t have to look at researches to believe that, but provided we’re however sporting our Lesbian jacket Vests, why don’t we go into it:

Research shows
that lesbians have sex for considerably longer amounts of time than folks of different orientations, and also in
this 2017 research
, 86 % of lesbians stated that the normally or usually orgasm during intercourse, compared to 65 per cent of directly females. From everything I can tell, these studies merely interviewed cisgender ladies who tend to be lesbians, but I’m confident that numerous trans and non-binary lesbians have actually in the same way very long and luxurious intercourse periods. It should be also mentioned your range sexual climaxes and/or duration of a sex treatment are not the common markers of intercourse top quality — everybody knows that people determine “good sex” in different ways, correct?

If you should be scanning this post because you’re in a total anxiety about lesbian sleep demise, keep this in mind: really regular for sex to ebb and flow in a relationship. And it also doesn’t matter how many times you and your partner(s) make love or how long your own gender continues — providing you along with your partner(s) are happy with
the actual quantity of intercourse
you’re having. Just in case you’re not having much gender, that doesn’t mean
your connection is condemned
. There are numerous main reasons why you might discover “lesbian sleep passing” (or any type of “bed passing”). Perhaps you tend to have intercourse for long durations, and you also you should not usually have the power for a three-hour romp. Maybe you and/or your own partner(s) fall someplace beneath the
asexual umbrella
, and you’re not desiring sex commonly or after all. Perhaps one or more partners inside union are having less sex drive considering actual or mental illness, the aging process, tension, dispute, human body picture battles, sexual upheaval,
the condition of society
, etc. perhaps you’re elevating young ones or you started a unique work, and you just don’t have the confidentiality or time to bang today. Which is typical, and when both you and your partner(s) tend to be okay with that, then chances are you don’t have to alter something.

If, but you’re


satisfied with the lack of intercourse within connection, you’re not by yourself, that is certainly something you need to address with your partner(s). Having intimate needs is actually a regular and legitimate thing! Only at Autostraddle, we’ve obtained countless questions in regards to our
You will need Help line
all of our A+ advice field
concerning how to have sex
after having sexual stress
, how to deal with
mismatched intercourse drives
, how-to start
more gender with a long-lasting companion
and more. If you should be undecided simple tips to talk to your partner about sex, check Autostraddle’s guidance posts or
submit a concern of your personal
— the people constantly offer outstanding comments.

Before going!

It will cost you cash to produce indie queer mass media, and honestly, we are in need of more members to thrive 2023

As thank you for VIRTUALLY maintaining united states alive, A+ users access extra content, additional Saturday puzzles, and more!

Will you join?

Cancel whenever.

Join A+!